That Sweet Little Voice

Ok, two more phone messages. Can't resist transcribing them. In the first one, Chantel's voice is in the background. Then last week, Owen left a message all by himself. He was a little confused about getting voice mail at first, but oh, I could live on his little voice and all that love!!

Jan 28:
Hi Grammy! I, I love you. I'm so 'cited about you visiting me in the summer, hum, um, we have a little froggy, uh, hum, uuuuh, fabric, right here (Chantel laughing 'say goodbye') And I have a shooter pen (ok, say goodbye) and bye, bye. I love you, Grammy, love, the Calders--Owen."

Feb 23
"Um, I love you. I'm happy about you coming again in the summer. 'Member when we went the George Washington? It was kinda fun but we was really tired, um, I love you Grammy, I love you Grammy, Mommy loves you too. I gotta new starfish from Michael's that Mama bought me from savings four dollars, four, I can do math too. I love you Grammy, Bye bye!"

To Gloria, because she gets it; she gets me.

Every woman should have a special Glo in her life. I do, and she's one of my great blessings. I have a special love for older people and I think it's because I've always had an older woman as a mentor and friend. When I was younger, it was Theresa McFarland. She was 70 and I was 18 when we met. We went visiting teaching together and oh, the things I learned from her about faith, and perserverance, and dealing with adversity. She died some years ago and I look forward to seeing her again someday.

Now I'm not as young as I once was, but I'm still blessed to have a wonderful friend, older, wise, funny, compassionate. We can talk about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING and we do. There isn't a subject I bring up that she doesn't understand or have an interest in. Sometimes we don't even need words! Just a look between us and we're both laughing! She is a comfort and a source of encouragement and hope. Sometimes I feel like she's my sister. Other times my mother. But always, my good friend. And I know that I add to her life as well. We had a role reversal not long ago where I spouted some wisdom (born of experience--the best kind) and she listened and acted. Her problem resolved shortly thereafter. Isn't it amazing sometimes, the way people's paths cross and the things we learn from one another? I bless the day we met and I appreciate her influence in my life. I love you my Glo-friend!

How do you explain Coincidence?

Can't stand that I haven't posted for so long, at least, it feels long to me. Maybe part of that is because I've been working long shifts in Rossmoor with Evelyn, up to 84 hours at a stretch, and I don't have internet access there. For those of you who don't know, I do elder care on a part-time basis and my current job is with an 88-year-old. Tonight I thought I'd tell you that, although I 'm especially enjoying an anthropology class at Mills, I do not agree with the professor's personal opinions regarding the effectiveness of direct prayer, and indirect prayer (where others pray for someone who doesn't know he's being prayed for). But in relation to this current job, here's what happened:

I took a look at my finances one day, Whoa!! Too much debt. I made a decision to get out of debt. I prayed about it. I said, "Please help me to increase my income..." THE NEXT DAY my friend called and offered me this job. Coincidence? Maybe, but there's more. Because later I went on a wonderful trip to Baltimore, I didn't work for three weeks. No work, no money. When I came home I took a look at my finances again. Whoa! Some progress, but not a lot. I prayed again, "Please help me to earn EXTRA money, so I can get out of debt before I leave for grad school..." THE NEXT DAY my friend called and offered me more hours. Recently, I took another look. Some progress, good, but will I achieve my goal by summer's end? I prayed about it some more. "Thank you for blessing me with this good job and for helping me do well in school. I think I could work some more without jeopardizing my studies. Please help me find more work." THE NEXT DAY my friend called again. She's burning out. Would I like to pick up an extra day? Yes, but the only day I have available is Monday. Great. That's the day she's looking to give up....So...what do you think? Coincidence? or Not?

Revelation

The whole encounter lasted less than a minute. I had just dropped off some medical forms when I saw a young woman with long blond hair and nondescript clothings softly crying, sitting across the room, waiting for her appointment with a psychologist. Her face was entirely wet from tears. She clutched a soggy tissue in one hand and made no attempt to hide her sorrow; couldn’t actually, I’m sure. I felt a little tug at my heart, but what could I do? I left the waiting room and walked to the elevator. I reached for the down arrow, but stopped just short of pushing it. I couldn't just leave, pretend I hadn't seen her, forget who I am now. I turned and walked back in. The woman looked up when she saw me and began sobbing harder. I walked over and touched her knee. She cried harder. I waited. “It will be ok, whatever it is, I promise,” I said quietly, so as not to draw attention to her from the other patients. She looked up at me with intense green eyes and a face full of pain, as though her very life depended upon my every word. “Don’t give up” I said. She nodded and sobbed out a “Thankyou.”

As I took the elevator down to the ground floor and walked across the parking lot, my own eyes filled with tears. It had rained all night and the morning sky was still gray and overcast. So much sorrow in this world! In the car, I thought about the woman all the way to Mills. I don’t know why she was so grief stricken and I wondered: A broken heart? Betrayal? A dead or dying child? Divorce? But does it really matter what the source of our pain is?

These past months, knowing I’d be writing memoir for my senior project, I’ve been agonizing over the purpose of writing such a difficult story as ours has been. Other than my own obvious need to find a place for those experiences, I've been thinking: Who will read them? And why will they care? My professor has been pushing me to find a thesis and determine who my audience will be.

“Don’t give up” I had said to the woman. There were times when I wanted to, no doubt, but I didn’t, and that is probably the single most important decision I've made which gave me back my life. I think I just found my thesis.

Squinchy Face Genes?

The idea for this post came from Brandon who thinks Soren's picture (below) looks like one of his, or reminded him of it anyway. Definitely something similar in the squinchy face expressions:

Soren 2007

Brandon 1977

Brandon 1979

Chantel 1981

Happy Birthday Soren

Darling Chunky Monkey,
How I wish I could be with you on your very first birthday. I miss holding you and feeling those sweet kisses. Happy birthday, Sweetheart. You are precious and Grammy loves you more than words can say.

I wrote this Feb 3, 2006, 11:30 pm

Oh, sleep celestial state divine
tranquil rest refreshing
refrain from lingering this one time
Please grant this dear sought blessing

When daylight gently cracks the night
paints morning dawn with wonder
the baby born, the world so right--
Oh sun! Oh clouds! Oh thunder!

Then hear my gratitude, delight--
familial love expanded
The newborn soon within my sight
I pray this wish be granted

Cotton shades of tender blue
will swaddle sweetest joy
Owen's happy declaration:
Grammy, he's a boy!

Forward Motion

A giant THANKYOU to Dr. Sawchuk who arranged for Brandon to have some neuro-psyche testing done. It's only been 8 1/2 years since the accident! Brandon's first battery of tests were Monday and he goes back for more next week. After the first appointment, he thanked me for being "a great Mom" said he didn't know what he'd do without me, and "I love you." I think he's relieved that we're finally going to get some answers, even though most of the time he pretends that everything is fine. I remember the days when he didn't even use the words "head injury," much less admit that he'd had one. Progress is slow but the direction is UP. One of these days I might even get that website going...but ask me about that later...the ideas are still marinating...

One ringy dingy...

Early this morning I received a call from Meg B, an editor at Guideposts magazine, who wanted to talk to me about a story of mine, "A Friend In Deed." It's about an experience I had with an eccentric woman who was also spiritually sensitive, and how her knowing exactly what I needed prompted her to knock on my door, right after I had been trying to figure out what to pray for. This was an example of how sometimes even thinking about praying is enough of an act of faith to have it answered, but the real story is about not judging others unfairly--something that's so easy to do. Anyway, the magazine publishes only 1st person, true stories, and Meg was calling for more background information on the story. They plan to publish it in May of this year. It was a great phone conversation because she is the same editor I worked with 4 years ago when "Snowbound" was published (Jan 2003). She asked what I've been doing since then, so I told her about going back to school and my writing career, how that first story changed the way I think of myself. Talking to Meg felt like talking to an old friend! She asked about the kids too, then said, "My favorite part of 'Snowbound' was when your daughter said, "My daddy's home!" That moment truly was the climax of 'Snowbound', and talking about it brought back all kinds of good memories. And actually, both stories happened during the same time period. My little girl has grown up now, and she has even more of that fierce love for others than when she was little. To think that she has precious ones of her own now! Life is sweet, isn't it?

Anonymously Successful

Well...I went to my Anthropology class last week: Magic, Witchcraft and Religion. Very interesting so far, but a girl on the row in front of me had her laptop on. Now that in itself isn't so unusual, since we're a wireless campus and students are allowed laptops for note-taking. What bothered me was her constant surfing the internet, checking and responding to email, even playing with her screen saver! I thought about leaning over and asking her to turn it off since she wasn't using it for note-taking, but I decided against that, for personal reasons. Thought she might label me the "bitchy Mom." I know I shouldn't care, but I guess I'm not the only one in my family who shys away from conflict. Anyway...I was still bothered by it the next day so I sent an email to my professor. Now for the fun part...He protected my identity, then forwarded my email to the class. Wow! Should have heard the comments both pros and cons for laptops in the classroom! I suggested they leave their computers at home, not so that the honest note-takers really would, but so the others would think twice before playing in class. I was just SOOO offended that students would spend class time like they did, oblivious to the rest of us. We're on the honor system here, but obviously, not everyone acts honorably. I mean, would you bust out your computer during a concert? or a music recital? or at a movie theater? Why, then, would someone think it's ok to do that to a professor? Granted, he didn't know about it, but others did. I thought it was highly disrespectful of others and of the professor's education.

Today, fewer people brought their laptops to class, and the ones who did sat on the back row at the teacher's direction. Then, my friend Kirsten (Clayton's friend who became a family friend and who's a student here now) spoke up and reminded everyone to make sure they were using their laptops for notes and not net surfing. Yeah! I felt satisfied, and no one except Kirsten knew who'd stirred the pot in the first place!

Panda--monium!!

I'm in the Mills computer lab, watching the clock (since I have a class at 4,) and I'm writing (as usual) but I took a break to create this post. While she was checking her email, the woman next to me gasped out loud, then turned her computer monitor so I could see what she was looking at. See for yourself. They're adorable! Then click here, especially if you have young children and want a link to a site that's both fun and educational.

Sun not Snow

Not only do we not have snow, (except once last week on top of Mt. Diablo) we don't even have the usual fog and cold rains. Gorgeous today and supposed to be gorgeous tomorrow too. But who's complaining? This morning I opened the window, heard birds singing, inhaled the chilly morning air--aahhhh! Felt just like a summer morning in the mountains of Idaho-everything crisp and fresh. Man, I miss camping!! Anyway, enjoy these photos, inspired by Owen in red!

Chantel, Dec 24, 1981, in front of the house where she was born.
The neighbor Wendy, a regular at our house. She supplied the sled. Brandon and Chantel provided the fun.
What a good dad!
Warm and happy. What little munchkins!!

Happy Birthday My Girl!

The first thing I thought of this morning when I woke up around 5 am was that 28 years ago my Telly was born at 5:09 am, in the living room of our little house at 2639 Burton Avenue...I was on the floor on some kind of sheet over our pink and white checkered shower curtain which protected the gold carpet...what a memory...a day of joy...and what a surprise to have a baby girl! Of course, the chances were 50/50 that I would have had a girl, but after 5 little boys in a row were born into the family in the previous 3 years (Garon, Ardell, Brandon, Jared, and Colten), and Chantel used to kick SO HARD, I was just certain I was having a boy. Then..having a girl was surreal and fabulous! You were a wonder and a delight then, and you still are. Happy Birthday, Daughter.

Chantel, twenty years ago I was 28, the same age you are now. This picture is from your 8th birthday in 1987.

A birthday doll!

Stencil set from big brother.

Daddy and his "Gwell."

The birthday clan and the birthday doll!

Sweet dreams, birthday girl...xo,xo

Bruch Update and Recipe

Yesterday after church, I drove over to Burlingame and spent the day with Marty and his family. I enjoyed being with them so much! Andrew is so tiny. He is in the 3rd grade and weighs 38 lbs right now. The feeding tubes have been invasive and not very effective, so this week the doctor's are going to put a tube right into his stomach. They want Andrew to gain 10 pounds. Samantha is an amazing young woman. She graduates from high school this Spring. Today she is going to take Andrew bowling. He has been sick and not able to leave the house for quite some time. The way Sam spends time with Andrew reminds me of how close Tel and Clayton were, although the age difference between Sam and Andrew is greater. Please keep the little guy and his family in your prayers.

Last night I brought food and cooked dinner for us. Sheila set the table and Marty (in his gracious, Southern-training fashion) put on some wonderful music and lit candles. Here's the recipe for what I cooked, which Marty insists belongs in a restaurant!

Pecan Crusted Chicken Breasts

Make a small batch of cornbread. Marie Callendar's is my favorite but Jiffy is good too. Do NOT use a homemade recipe that calls for baking powder--too bitter and not worth the effort.

Melt 2 sticks of butter (what else?) in a bowl or pan large enough for dipping chicken breasts. Set aside.

Grind fresh pecans in a food processor until you have 3 cups.
Add 3 cups of crumbled cornbread (about 1/2 of an 8x8 pan, or several muffins)

Add 1-2 teaspoons of seasoning salt.

Cut skinless, boneless chicken breasts into 2 or 3 pieces each. Dip in butter, roll in pecan/cornbread mixture. Place on ungreased cookie sheet. This will make a full pan. Drizzle any remaining butter over chicken. Press any remaining pecans on breasts. Bake at 350 for 40 minutes.

Prepare a salad of baby spinach and romaine lettuce, English cucumber, fuji or another sweet type of apple(not grannysmith), dried cranberries, figs, or golden raisins, and feta, gorgonzola or another like cheese.

To serve, mound salad on plate, place warm chicken breast on top and drizzle with raspberry or balsamic vinagrette dressing. Delicious! (I'm sure this would be great for ranch dressing lovers as well).

Voice Mail

Some messages are worth preserving, but since I don't have the know-how to transfer a phone message to this blog, at least I can record it by transcription:

Two days ago:

Soren fussing and the sound of bathtub water.
Chantel's voice in the background talking to Owen: "Say 'Hello, Grammy'"

"Hi Grammy, I love you SO MUCH...hum...thank you for visiting. Soren loves you too--that's why he's crying...hum...right now...hum...Love, hum, Owen and Mommy and Soren and Daddy."

Owen, I love YOU SO MUCH too! Remember, you're my original muffin!
Grammy xo

Random Thoughts

1. Care givers usually die before the ones they care for do.

2. Addiction affects almost every family and most of us are either addicted to something (drugs, sex, porn, food, alcohol, even drama (frequent drama provides adrenalin rushes) or we're in the co-dependent mode of trying to be the fixer of other people's problems.

3. Music is healing.

4. Prayer and meditation are scientifically proven stress reducers.

5. I wish I owned a deserted island.

6. Family is the best thing God ever invented, even with all the crap...

Last Morning Love

Today I return home to the Bay Area and I admit, it is with great ambivalence. I have loved being in a new place, seeing new country, checking out some universities (yesterday I went to Baltimore), but mostly I have loved being with, and a part of, this wonderful family.

Chantel, You are everything a mother could hope for. Your love for your family and the consistent, firm, and loving way you and Austin parent is a joy and a wonder to see. You are an example to all of us and I love and appreciate your strength, testimony and faith. Thank you for the extra care you gave me, my own space, the special mattress, waiting to decorate the tree until I got here. Thankyou for including me in family nights and family prayer, for the beautiful stocking, and for all the extra traveling we did together to see this wonderful part of the country. I will miss you and yours, but I know that our family love is forever. My favorite memory will be hearing and seeing your morning ritual of love with your little ones--what a treasure. With Love, xo, Mom

Reading time before breakfast.

Morning love with Owen

Soren grabs Owen for a kiss--notice his hand on Owen's ear!

Happy New Year!

And Owen's 5th birthday too! What a wonderful family day...

Chantel told me what President Hinckley said last night during a live broadcast and I've decided to adopt this as my New Year's Mantra:

"You can be wise and happy--or stupid and miserable." Hmmm, let me think...

A Few More Photos...

This photo doesn't do justice to the artwork on the wall in this park. I stopped here on my way out of town for a few last photos.

Fabulous view in all directions.
Picnic anyone?
A zoomed shot.
Knobby hill--the main attraction. The view from the top is supposed to be outstanding.

Road Trip!!

I rented a vehicle for a trip, and ended up driving a 4 wheel drive Ford F150 club cab. The rental agency gave me the same price as a compact plus a free tank of gas, if I'd take the truck. Surprisingly, I loved it. The ride was comfortable and other cars stayed out of my way. I drove 3 hours East of Tel's to check out Morgantown, West Virginia. I've applied to school there and although the university isn't my first choice, I can see myself living in this town. It's close to my family, it has four REAL seasons, the people are very friendly, the crime rate is non-existent, it's right in the heart of many American history sites, and the price of real estate is great. According to several residents, Morgantown is "unlike any other city in West Virginia." Given the influence of the university, which boasts a medical research school in addition to hundreds of other programs, Morgantown residents are diverse in both education and ethnicity, PLUS the Southern influence of manners and gentility was evident but not overly. The population is 26,000 but doubles when school is in session. Here's a sampling of the photos I took when a wonderful woman, Judy, gave me a tour of the town.

Lots of trees on every street. This was taken from a neighborhood called "Southpark" which has some really nice homes, but older ones, which I love for their high ceilings, beautiful woodwork and porches large enough for porch swings. View looking North.

This was taken from the same street, looking West instead of North.

The medical facilities taken from a hill on one of the three campuses of West Virginia University.

Love the architecture in this town, older but kept up.

Morgantown, like most East Coast cities, boasts a lot of churches. I thought this doorway was especially beautiful. This church is in town, one block from Main street, but right next to a residential neighborhood.


A frat house across the street from the red door church.

Typical residential street within the city limits of Morgantown.


Main street looking North.

Main street looking South.

The Old Stone House, the oldest structure in Morgantown from the 1780's, right in the downtown and now a gift shop.

Morgantown is built on the banks of the Monongahela River, American Indian for "river with slippery banks." These photos were taken outside of town. Rivers, creeks and trees are prevalent all over the area. Fall here is purported to be "glorious."

The main building on the University's main campus (there are 3). Lots of trees but not a bad shot from a moving car.

Ok, I didn't take this one, but it's a different view of the same building and gives one a feel for the Colonial influence in Morgantown. Even if I don't go to school here, I would definitely come here to vacation.

Christmas

I finally bought myself a digital camera and I'm still learning how to use it. The 1st picture below is the only one of Owen that I got on Christmas morning before my batteries died! The other ones were taken with Tel's camera. For a more complete "show,"of Christmas morning, 2006, check out her blog: www.degeneratesubspace.blogspot.com (or click the link from this blog.)


Chantel hand-made me a stocking with my name embroidered in gold thread--a work of pure love. I have a handmade jewelry box at home from Christmas past that I also treasure.