Boy, am I good! I managed to talk my way out of the hospital long enough to make a pilgrimage to Memphis. Physically it was a challenge, but worth every second to be immersed in southern language, food and family. My siblings and I were there, together, for the first time since 1968 and no, that's not a type-o. My dad has two siblings living and we so enjoyed being with them and their families and hearing so many great family stories. Bottom line: I've called several places 'home' over the years, and they have been, but the pull to Memphis will never go away, nor do I want it to. I love my southern heritage--the graciousness, the barbeque, the fireflies, the giant thunder storms, but especially the rhythm of Memphis' language which stands apart from all other southern dialects. Put ten Southerners in a room together and I'll tell you, by the way they talk, which one is from Memphis.

So yes, as promised, I'm updating. I'm back in the hospital but I feel total peace and confidence that my doctors will figure out the latest and get me back on track. In the meantime, thank goodness for a mini lap-top and access to the internet, plus, I'm doing a lot of writing and some genealogy--making sure I've cited sources. Most of this is what I'd be doing if I were home anyway. My spirits are good. Just keep those prayers flying upward and picture me taking another trip South to do more research. For other genealogists, a couple of lines keep calling me. You know what I mean. When I get out of the hospital I'll post some pictures.

To post or not to post

I've decided, for those loyal friends who depend on my blog to see what's up with me, that I should post more often, even if I don't have anything exciting to say. I hesitate to post especially when the topic is my health. I know, I know, it's important, but most of the time I just don't like to dwell on it. However, I realized recently that not posting allows for all sorts of imagination games, so truth is better than nothing.

Update: Another bout in the hospital. This time without a certain diagnosis about the source of so much nausea and its accompanying side effects. Home now for 24 hours. Keeping a very strict detail of what I eat, when, and what happens next. I'm hoping it's just a matter of time--in other words, reintroducing foods ever so slowly and learning to avoid the ones that give me trouble. After all, I didn't eat anything for almost six weeks. But the nausea was worse than any flu I've ever experienced and I'll do just about anything to avoid it. And who knows, maybe I'll rediscover my thighs. (Sigh...is it a sin to have even a tiny bit of vanity at 50??)

Last night

Clayton and Michele got in and today we spent the day at the Calder's, then all of us went out for dinner at Carraba's. The food was excellent, but the best part was looking around the table at my whole family, watching the little ones stuffing pasta, and listening to the banter. I love each one of them so much! On Friday we go to Ocean City for the weekend to play on the beach and celebrate Father's Day. And I'm feeling stronger every day. Blessings...blessings...

And all this time

I thought I was taller. I've always said I was 5'6". Wrong. I'm only 5'4". And I've lost 25 lbs. Not the most healthy way to do it but it's nice to get into some other clothes.

Mid-Week Catch Up

This has been a good week so far because:

1) I'm on an insurance-imposed break from chemo, which may be just what the doctor ordered. I find out next week. In the meantime--I'm lovin' it!!

2) Sold two items on Ebay--fun and I made a few bucks. Have more to sell.

3) Oscar and I called a truce. He's pooping outside again and I'm being more consistent with his routine and his diet.

4) Went through files again and filled another grocery bag with old papers to throw out--oh, the things that make me happy!

5) Wrote another chapter of memoir and posted it for my writers' group.

6) Made the decision to go to my niece's wedding in June.

Weirdness for sure

Ok. So I know I've posted about my strange sleep habits but today tops them all. First of all, I've been going to bed at a decent hour (between 10 and midnight) and sleeping all night without interruption. Heaven! So this morning, I woke up at 6 am. Rather than stay up, I decided I'd lie down for about one more hour. Ha! No such thing. I woke up at 1:30 and I had not moved at all. The worst part was all the teasing I got at chemo since I slept right through my 11 am appointment and had to be worked in during the afternoon. I've had some long sleeps before, and some long naps, but I don't remember ever taking one for 7 1/2 hours! I'll never live this one down. Everyone at chemo today were all grins.

Insomnia

I have the weirdest sleep experiences. I'll sleep well for a night or two, but more often than not, I wake up repeatedly--anywhere from every 30 minutes to two hours, and I'll do that until around 4 or 5 AM when I finally give up and get out of bed. Sometimes things come to me then--answer to a prayer, a heightened spiritual awareness, words to a poem--and then I don't mind. But other nights don't make sense, like tonight (this morning):

I need to compile 30 years of on and off again genealogy research into a history of the Bruchs, which will entail another trip to Memphis--something I look forward to.
Is there such a thing as a cat that doesn't shed?
Should I get a cat of my own?
You're the cream cheese, I'm the crunch, we're the celery in our lunch...ok, now it really is time to give up on sleep...

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to my Apartment...

The day that I was moving into my new apartment, June 18, is the same day that I got a call from Dr. K (my oncologist) telling me to check myself into the hospital. I had had a CT scan done earlier the same day and the results showed some problems with my lungs. I told him that I couldn't go because I was in the process of moving. He paused--I'm sure he wasn't anticipating that kind of response, and then he said, "But you can't breathe!" I realized he was right--I was having a tough time of it. Then a friend from church called just to check in and see how I was doing, and she ended up taking me to the hospital while Chantel supervised the others as to where to put my furniture in my new place.

That night Dr. Henry appeared at my bedside in the ER and I felt immediate confidence in him as he explained my options. Later, Austin and another elder came over and gave me a priesthood blessing which gave me instant comfort. Dr. Henry operated the next day by doing a pleurodesis--a fancy word for a procedure to permanently prevent the accumulation of fluid around the lung. This is a surgery that I had talked with Dr. K about several times and had already decided to have done. I had even made an appointment to see Dr. Henry--and thought I would have the surgery later in July or August. The way it happened was so sudden that I didn't have time to worry or stress about it. And the recovery is going just fine. When I came home from the hospital, it was to my new apartment and almost everything unpacked and put away, thanks to my amazing girl.

I love my family so much. And when I say that I don't mean just my children and grandchildren, but my mother, my siblings, their spouses, their children. I'm grateful for each one of you, for what you contribute to each others' lives and to mine, for the way you choose to live, for your love for each other. We are a blessed family.

News Flash!!

I am moving into my own apartment!! I get the key on Friday and will be painting (repainting) the walls. If you know me at all you know I love beauty and color, and I just happened to find a complex that allows their tenants to paint! So a periwinkle bedroom is in the plans and I'm not sure about the living room and dining room yet. The actual furniture move takes place on the 18th, but I will have my kitchen and most of my personal belongings--clothing etc., already put away. (I will not be painting the insides of the closets). The complex has two swimming pools, a fitness center, and a business center with free fax and copy machine access. The complex has 1300 units and it feels like a community. I liked it even before I saw the inside of an apartment. Rachel has sent me a care box with kitchen goodies and I can't wait for it to arrive. I haven't had my own kitchen for over a year and I'm really looking forward to opening her box and my other ones and stocking the shelves. I will take before and after pictures of the apartment. And I'll be only 10 to 15 minutes from Tel and her family. My apartment is in different ward boundaries (but I hear it's a fabulous ward) and moving is an opportunity for growth as change always is. The main thing is, I felt the spirit when I found this place--the same feeling I had when we found the Concord house, and later when I found the little studio in Pleasant Hill. This time I had been looking (and looking and looking) and had almost begun to despair of finding just the right place when Chantel and the boys and I drove 10 miles to Ellicott City to this complex. The feeling there was unmistakable. I was ready to sign right then. It's the right place and that's a great feeling. Why it's the right place remains to be discovered.

Road Trip! Again!!

Leaving for Memphis, folks. Driving again. Love to see unexplored country, take backroads I may never take again. Just my music, me and wide open spaces. The cool part is having an open ended return. I'll stay until it's time to leave. Well, not exactly. I have an appointment on May 9 that I have to be back for, but I am relishing the idea of being spontaneous and coming home when the time is right. Hope to do some more genealogy research while I'm there. I look forward to being with my family though, my aunt and uncles certainly, and some cousins too, if I'm lucky. I'll go see my dad's grave and visit some of the old places, but other than that, we'll see what happens. Because I'll be driving, I'll take my laptop, so look for a post or two while I'm away. See you from the road!

There's a down side

to having a blog, I just recently discovered. That is, that everyone who checks in knows whats going on in my life so I assume you feel up-to-date. Drawback is, that most of you don't comment or respond which makes it a little lonely out here. Last I heard, relationships are still two-way, so think of my blog as a look into my personal scrapbook, not a substitute for calling or emailing. I miss you!!

By way of information

Chemo has not started yet. Apparently red tape at Kaiser is nation-wide, not just on the West Coast. Kaiser here should have sent approval of my treatment plan back to the doctor already, but they haven't. When one of my doctor's employees called yesterday, she found out that the process hadn't even been started! She was pretty upset and told them that someone had to print out the ok and hand deliver it to the right department for faxing to her. I should be able to get a firm start date scheduled today. Hope it's soon because the fluid around my lungs (both sides) is getting worse, making it difficult to move much, talk and breathe. Don't be alarmed...I'm not far from the hospital and I will go in for another lovely lung tap if I have to, but I'm really just wanting to get started on the chemo which should take care of the fluid problem on its own.

Well...

I've written and rewritten this, trying to figure out how to share such personal information in such a public space. Part of me wants to protect you--those especially who have extra tender hearts, or tend to worry, or may weep when they hear. But I've been told that I need to stop trying to protect people from the truth. My mom and siblings know, as of today, that the cancer is back. More than likely it has always been there, just too negligible to show up on any tests. The bad news is that there's a spot on my liver. The good news is, that there's a spot on my liver and not multiple spots all over! This is another challenge, and we all know that life is full of them. I will do the best I can and though I wish this were all behind me, it will be soon. Some days will be better than others I'm sure. In the meantime, I've been promised great blessings and I fully expect the Lord to keep His word. I'll need your hopes, your faith and prayers and your positive energy. I will let you know more after I see the oncologist next week.

People keep asking

about my hair. Friends and family want to know if it's growing back (yes), how long it is (not very), if it's a different color(no), or if it's curly (no). Chantel took the pictures below. I have had five different strangers ask me where I got my hair cut or tell me that they love it. I'm so surprised every time...in a museum, on a bus, at church...I plan to keep it short, at least until I start missing french braids. This is the easiest thing I've ever had to deal with.Smiling at Soren who was standing with me against the wall. The earrings were Mother's.

The walls in Chantel's living room are three different colors of blue. Very festive.

I Did Not Die When the Year Did Even Though You Thought So You Thought Wrong

I've had several ideas on my mind lately, regarding the New Year, the Washington DC/Baltimore temple, the doctrine of faith and works, and other things, but I just have not had the time to do justice to any of those subjects. At night I'm thinking, thinking, thinking, but too tired to blog and soon it's the next day and a new opportunity. Disclaimer: Tonight's entry is straight from the hip. Don't be surprised if you see changes later. For now, I'm making amends and getting to it.

I took some great videos of the boys playing recently--Owen "performing" for the camera, Soren talking to the camera and Chantel and Austin dancing. I lost all of it during download from my flash drive to my laptop. pth@$$!%@*^$hhh! That's a raspberry in case you didn't know.

I have finished unpacking and organizing. I even hung pictures. Chantel took a huge box of mostly clothing to a donation station for me. I'm getting my computer work space set up with shelves etc, but I know that some days I will go to an internet cafe somewhere and do my work there instead. It's too easy to play with the boys when I should be catching up on my writing. Of course, catching up is a ridiculous phrase when it comes to writing; there's always more to write about. Lately, I've been thinking about the daunting task of transcribing my personal journals. Yikes. The upside is that someone would probably have to do it anyway as parts of mine are in pencil which won't last. Another upside is the opportunity to do take-backs and do-overs. I'm not so sure that the way I thought 30 years ago would hold any water today. Surely I'm a different person. The downside is I don't know if I really want to read what I wrote so long ago, and the job is a big one but, 'bird by bird' as writer Ann Lamont says.

Brandon has been visiting since the 29th. Tomorrow is our last day with him as Friday he takes the train to New York City for a friend's wedding.

Greetings from Maryland!

Well, I'm assuming that you all know that I made it here, safe and sound. Chantel and Austin are very generous with the space I now inhabit. Being with them and their boys is pure joy. I've been unpacking, and unpacking and I've also been...unpacking. I'm beginning to see light. Where did I get so much stuff??

We haven't made the connection yet between my wireless card and their modem and it may be awhile because of the holidays. So I can't post photos until I'm on my own computer.

I put my Christmas tree up tonight downstairs, part of which is the family room. Austin built a fire. Chantel put Christmas music on. Family. Love. Lights. And little chubby hands trying to hang ornaments. I love this time of year!! We may even get some real snow. Speaking of snow, watch for a post entitled, "No Go Snow." I can't tell you about it until I can post the photos that go with it. But I enjoyed an adventure, lured off the trail by a shrine to the holy family...more later...happy holidays...

Don't Hold Your Breath!

Originally I had planned to leave California today, but I had trouble with the moving company (sent 'em packing, no pun intended) and I had to find another one. The new moving company driver should be here within a hour or so. I will probably leave California on Saturday as long as it's clear going over Donner. Woo! Hoo!!!

Whirlwind or My Life the Last 10 Days

waiting, crying, driving, snowing, stopping, sleeping, missing, kissing, eating, greeting, weeping, reading, watching, walking, washing, praying, packing, bending, writing, speaking, sitting, lifting, laughing, hoping, closing, taping, talking, stretching, thinking, thanking, hugging, snapping, singing, rocking, shopping, fasting, climbing, playing, yelling, loving, living.

I am moving

to Baltimore very soon. I had planned to wait until the end of summer and go before grad school starts, but the plan now is to drive across country, arriving in Baltimore around the 15th of December. I feel great about this and I've received nothing but support for my decision, even though it will be difficult to say goodbye. A whole lot is happening now also, and the time before me feels as though it will shrink and disappear like a dark highway seen from a moving car. I'm working on Christmas presents so I can leave them here rather than ship them from the east coast. I'm doing the cooking for Thanksgiving this year--when have I not?? Then I'm going to Idaho with family right after Thanksgiving to attend and speak at a funeral for one of the dearest women in the world--my mother-in-law--a bittersweet experience. When I get home I have to pack--books, china and crystal, clothing; get the car tuned up and ready; decide on which things to take with me and which things to leave for the moving company; and there are a few people that I must see in person before I leave. Have I forgotten anything? Oh yeah, I really, really want to weed my garden one more time and leave it looking satisfied and happy. My niece Jasmine is planning to take it over after I go. Thanks, sweetheart! I can't think of anything that would make me happier.

In case anyone is wondering, I'm also seeing my oncologist right before I leave. My Kaiser will transfer to the Baltimore/D.C. Kaiser area. Woo-hoo! I'll continue with health care but as far as I'm concerned, the cancer is gone and it's not coming back.

My 76 year-old mother has decided to be my traveling companion from Utah--about 1/3 of the way there. It's been many years since I've had Christmas with my Mom. Her presence in Baltimore will make four generations under one roof. With the passing of my mother-in-law, I realize how precious the time with my own mother is. Mom can be a hoot but I've learned that when it comes to her, expect anything. Time stops. Expectations drop. It's a different world and I just go with the flow. At any rate, Mom and I will be making memories. (Just last night she told me about a staged food fight she and my dad had while they were entertaining guests! Forty-nine years old I had never heard that story until now.) I'm going to let AAA map our route for us, but maybe we'll meander a bit and stop in the old neighborhoods in Kansas City and/or St. Jo. I'm also hoping to blog during our trip, at least a time or two.

Bottom line is that I really do feel led to Baltimore by the hand of the Lord. This is not a move that I'm taking lightly. Many unknowns await me and sometimes I have these mini anxiety attacks where I stop what I'm doing and concentrate on breathing...inhale...exhale...Most of the time though, I have the feeling that I'll enjoy many new and wonderful experiences. Please don't be sad. I'll be back often for visits. After all, my little Rolan is here as are my sons and many others I hold dear. Speaking of Rolan, I copied this photo from Michele's and Clayton's blog so you can see how fabulously cute my newest grandson is...

This space of time

My main problem right now is neuropathy, a debilitating condition that's a result of the toxicity of chemo. I clump around like a little old lady and wait and wait for the day when this is all behind me. My feet burn and hurt constantly. My balance sucks. Night time is the worst. But during the day I'm not unaware of how much healing has yet to take place. It's frustrating. One of the chemo nurses told me it would take "at least a year" before my feet are healed. I'm hoping it's much sooner than that. In the meantime, I read a lot, sleep, surf the internet, watch tv, go for the occasional errand in the car...I can do a little shopping but any weight on my feet makes the pain worse. I have an appointment next week to see an acupuncturist in the city. And every day, and night too, I'm alone with my thoughts, my prayers, and my faith and patience, which are both being tested...thank goodness for my Telly who calls every single day. Only when I'm talking with her do I remember that this condition is temporary, even though it will probably not be over anytime soon. In the meantime, I'm making plans to move to Baltimore and resume my life as soon as my feet and the weather will let me make the drive.