Chemo: Match 2 Round 1

And in the blue corner wearing a Citiknits black and coral three-piece ensemble and a very chic do, we have defending champion Maaaaartha, the Maaagnificent! ding ding ding ding!

So, any ideas how my first chemo here went?? It was GREAT! I felt anxious the past few days but the closer today came, the more peace I felt. No tears this time at all, no feelings of fear or 'I don't want to be here' or out right, 'get me out of here!' Nothing like that. I was actually anticipating this with a fair amount of optimism and a whole lot of gratitude for being in this area with my Tel and getting to see Dr. K.

I saw Dr. K's P.A. today before treatment. I like him very much. Straight forward, compassionate, obvious that he knew my history, even that I'd moved out here recently. Later, Dr. K made it a point to come out to the infusion center and talk with me and Telly for awhile. I was so impressed (again!!) Remember, this is the same man who came to see me in the hospital on his day off...

I figured out why this infusion center feels so different from the one at Kaiser: Not only does it feel more cozy (it's smaller and the people overall are very warm and friendly) the room is more spaciously arranged, the chairs are a prettier color (although they recline and function the same way) and one entire wall is windows! I love that! I love light! I really enjoyed seeing the sky through the tall trees here which are just beginning to bud! So pretty! And we had an early appointment so there weren't very many people in the room. My nurse is great. She explained a whole lot and checked on me often. And unlike Kaiser who gives you whoever the computer will bring up, this place will do its best to give me the same nurse every time. I think that's important both for rapport and because some nurses are way better at putting in IV's. I like knowing what to expect

My new medication is the color of strawberry jello. Just as red as it can be. Some people have side effects, especially the first time they get it, but I didn't. Chantel and I visited for awhile and then I fell asleep from the Benadryl. When I woke up, she had already made my next appointments and had a packet of information for me. The entire visit was just over three hours. The nurse said next time it will be shorter since I tolerated the Doxil, they will give it to me faster next time. Round two in 28 days.

Oh, my gosh! I forgot to tell you something important! I had a good amount of energy today (we went to Costco this afternoon) and I realized that it's because I had my lung drained! Yes! Earlier this week Dr. K arranged for me to see another awesome guy (not too warm and fuzzy but brilliant with his work) and he drained my lung on Wednesday afternoon. I was extremely anxious (translated, in tears) about the visit because of the experience I had in emergency last month, but Dr. Morton was technically incredible. On a scale of one to ten, the discomfort level was a one, and I can breathe again! Yay! I should have gone in sooner. Chantel, I love you so much, and I'm sorry I caused you anxiety and a nightmare by putting off the procedure. I won't do that again!

By way of information

Chemo has not started yet. Apparently red tape at Kaiser is nation-wide, not just on the West Coast. Kaiser here should have sent approval of my treatment plan back to the doctor already, but they haven't. When one of my doctor's employees called yesterday, she found out that the process hadn't even been started! She was pretty upset and told them that someone had to print out the ok and hand deliver it to the right department for faxing to her. I should be able to get a firm start date scheduled today. Hope it's soon because the fluid around my lungs (both sides) is getting worse, making it difficult to move much, talk and breathe. Don't be alarmed...I'm not far from the hospital and I will go in for another lovely lung tap if I have to, but I'm really just wanting to get started on the chemo which should take care of the fluid problem on its own.

Grad School

is a challenge. My writing instructor is an accomplished person. She's one of those who's been writing since she was ten and she's won all kinds of awards etc. I don't think I really even started writing until I was at least 42. It's difficult not to compare myself to others, although as far as the students go, we're a pretty good group. No one person stands out as being really fabulous or really bad, but that might change...Last week I misunderstood the assignment and I turned in what amounts to a child's ditty:

Oh may you live in a humble house,
a rumble, jumble, tumble house
with rats for friends and a purple mouse,
a laughing toad and a curious louse
da-da da-da da-da da-da...

you get the idea...now maybe if I were taking a writing for children workshop...but I turned it in, not just to the teacher, but to every student for critiquing! Oh well, as least I have the option of emailing to them a do-over...

Fun Times in the Calder Household

Some of you have already seen these pictures on Tel's blog, but for friends who don't click over, we have moments like these not infrequently. I love this little family! It is a blessing being here in the Baltimore area with them.

Inspected, Found to be Infected, Nonetheless, Directed

Ok, so my title is an attempt at humor and to practice coming up with a 'sexy' title, something one of my very favorite professors talked about as important for every piece we write.

You know how sometimes you do something, or think of someone and call, or go somewhere, and only later do you look back and realize that you were being directed because of what happened after that? This is my attempt to relay the events leading up to today.

I saw Dr. Koutrelakos today, the oncologist, henceforth Dr. K. He is the one I wanted to see, prayed that I'd be able to see, and the same one who was recommended to me last week. But I had my doubts about how it would all work out. Fast forward: I start treatment next week, but instead of 5 hours every 21 days (there goes my weight loss commercial) I will spend one hour every 28 days. I'll have 4 to 6 treatments and from the sound of things, will be able to stay in grad school. I am resistant to the original meds they had me on (about 30% of ovarian cancer patients are) and this one has no heavy side effects. I even get to keep my hair. Hurray!! Ok, now for the coolest part.

Last week before I went to the hospital, I felt impressed to call one of my new friends, but I couldn't figure out why I should call. Finally I quit arguing with the HG and called her. She told me that if I needed chemo again, she hoped I would get to see Dr. Koutrelakos. When she said that, I felt a warm feeling and wrote down his name so I wouldn't forget. That night in the emergency room, (I was there all day) the pulmonologist said she was going to call oncology in even though the test results weren't back yet. (Big duh! But she was cool. I liked her.) I told her that a friend had recommended Dr. K. The next day in my hospital room, Dr. K comes walking in, smiles, introduces himself and proceeds to tell me that he'd heard about me and even though it was his day off, wanted to come see me. (Do you think I was impressed? Let's see...) I felt an instant connection to him, very caring and sincere doctor but then the anxiety started. I didn't know how in the world Kaiser would pay for me to see someone outside Kaiser. I prayed and cried and worried and stressed for days. I wasn't even sure if Kaiser would pay for the emergency visit and all the tests. Then two days ago, I called Member Services and they told me I'm covered for emergency and urgent care all over the world! So I went to Kaiser here to get a referral from the primary care doctor I was assigned to. She asked if I had a preference of oncologists and when I told her Dr. K, she said great, because Kaiser refers all their oncology out because Kaiser doesn't have any oncologists locally. After I got the referral, I called Dr K's office and they got me in the next day. I couldn't believe how easy the whole thing was.

Today at the end of my visit, which took place mostly in Dr K's office and reminded me of Aunt Claire's house with color on the walls and beautiful furniture, he asked if I had any more questions and I said yes. "How did you know about me last week?" He said the hospital had called the practice and he happened to be the one "on." I found out that had I gone to the emergency room the day before or the day after, he would not have been the one 'on' when the hospital called and I would be seeing someone else instead. The last thing he said today was that he believes people meet for reasons (implied: beyond our control). Chantel went with me and she is such a comfort and support.

Now, was I inspired to call my friend, even though I didn't know why?
Was I inspired to go to the hospital the day I did, even though I didn't feel that bad?
Was I inspired to make a move to the East Coast when I did and not later, as originally planned? Heavenly Father really will guide us if we will pay attention to the still small voice even though sometimes, especially if we have our fingers in both ears, he's a little hard to hear. I have to say that I've felt the spirit many, many times throughout my life, directing me one way or the other, knowing what to do, what to say, when to keep silent...you'd think I wouldn't spend one single moment arguing when I get an impression. Good thing he is patient and understanding. I am proof that he knows us and loves us and, contrary to what some people might say, cares about even the most minor details of our lives because he cares about us that much.

I Love You

for the way your eyes crinkle at the corners when you laugh
for obligatory dance parties
for how cute you looked in braces
I love you for a laugh that's all yours
I love you for the face you make when something sounds gross
and for all the recipes you gave me that start with 'one stick of butter'
I love you for the compassion you have for the down and out
for eating my spinach
watering my plants
and feeding my cat
I love you for teaching me how to lead music
for your tender heart
for your bizarre sense of humor
and because you understand mine
I love you because you keep getting back up
I love you for the way you snuggle with your children
and love palm trees
and burritos
and chocolate
and traveling
I love you for sitting with me in silence day after day
and because you love hydrangeas
and gardenia bushes
and the smooth sound of a car's perfect engine
I love you for forgiving me when I stayed out of your life for awhile
and for loving me when I came back
I love you for the way you balance your checking account,
even though I do mine just the opposite
they still come out the same
I love you for teaching me to love puzzles
to play star wars and deep sea creatures and Settlers of Catan
I love you for the way you giggle
and squeal
and run with your feet crossing over each other
because you just can't help the happiness
I love you for your freckles
your long eye-lashes
your piggy toes
your dimples
and even your moles
I love you for all those times you washed my car
and took out the garbage
and helped weed the flower beds
and sent me funny cards that made me laugh
I love you for going with me to the ballet when you didn't really want to
and I even love you for laughing out loud when you weren't supposed to
I love you for the way you looked at me then
and the way you look at me now
I love you for teaching me how to laugh at the most absurd
pray for the most awful, and believe in the unbelievable
I love you for introducing me to Thai cuisine
for all those long walks and long talks
for girls' nights out and the mcbc
I love you for the way you fell in love with parenthood
for the way he adores you
the way you love him
and listening while I cried
I love you for calling me Sis
for calling me Mom
for calling me Baby
for calling me Poose, and Guh, and Monkey Mama
and just for calling
I love you for the first time we met
and for the next time we meet
for your resilience in the face of adversity
for all the pies and homemade bread and beet pickles
and because you love Jesus
I love you because you send me funny emails and serious ones
and some in between
I love you because you sat with me when I was going through chemo
I love you because you drove me to the hospital in the middle of the night
I love you for your beauty that spills out in your writing and in song
for the sound of your voice when you say, 'Hey, Buddy!'
and because you know just where to scratch when I say 'hairy patch'
I love you for our shared experiences
for going first at the Senior Thesis Event
for the things we could tell about Justin and Tina and Kate
I love you for building me a garden when I could only watch
because you dance even though sometimes, you can't
for knowing I'd still love you even after you told me about waking up inside a bass drum
I love you because you made sure that I had snow chains in my car
you believe I can do anything and that makes me try harder
you forgave me, more than once
and the look in your eyes tells me that I hang the moon

I love you for every minute and every hour and every day we've shared
for hanging in and holding on and never letting up or letting go
I love you for adding your own special color to the fabric of my life
I, simply, love you
Happy Valentine's Day!

Well...

I've written and rewritten this, trying to figure out how to share such personal information in such a public space. Part of me wants to protect you--those especially who have extra tender hearts, or tend to worry, or may weep when they hear. But I've been told that I need to stop trying to protect people from the truth. My mom and siblings know, as of today, that the cancer is back. More than likely it has always been there, just too negligible to show up on any tests. The bad news is that there's a spot on my liver. The good news is, that there's a spot on my liver and not multiple spots all over! This is another challenge, and we all know that life is full of them. I will do the best I can and though I wish this were all behind me, it will be soon. Some days will be better than others I'm sure. In the meantime, I've been promised great blessings and I fully expect the Lord to keep His word. I'll need your hopes, your faith and prayers and your positive energy. I will let you know more after I see the oncologist next week.

Rare Find!!

I found the following while sorting through old cards and letters. I decided that scanning and posting would be more effective than trying to explain...I received this in the mail in 1998.


Leah is all grown up now, living in Thailand studying fashion design and pattern making. I have always enjoyed her sense of humor and seeing the world through her eyes.

Happy Birthday Mikey!

Sending you a birthday rain check for a meatloaf dinner.....xo

A Fabulous Artist

Heads up people! I just found out that a good friend of mine, Sharon Wise, not only has a website, but she has her art in several galleries. Congratulations girlfriend! I've seen her paintings up close and personal and they are simply gorgeous. Sharon works in water colors, but you're not going to believe what you see. When I publish my first book, I'm going to treat myself to one of her prints. Sharon creates her own settings, takes her own professional photographs, enlarges them and paints from those. Each painting takes hundreds of hours and can have over 20 layers of color. I rented and lived downstairs from Sharon for two years. We took lots of walks together and went for Thai food on occasion. After I moved into my condo, Sharon and I met several times for tea and girl talk. Not only is she a rare artist, (I've never seen any work like hers) she is also a dear friend. You go girl!