Thursday, July 16, 2009

Boy, am I good! I managed to talk my way out of the hospital long enough to make a pilgrimage to Memphis. Physically it was a challenge, but worth every second to be immersed in southern language, food and family. My siblings and I were there, together, for the first time since 1968 and no, that's not a type-o. My dad has two siblings living and we so enjoyed being with them and their families and hearing so many great family stories. Bottom line: I've called several places 'home' over the years, and they have been, but the pull to Memphis will never go away, nor do I want it to. I love my southern heritage--the graciousness, the barbeque, the fireflies, the giant thunder storms, but especially the rhythm of Memphis' language which stands apart from all other southern dialects. Put ten Southerners in a room together and I'll tell you, by the way they talk, which one is from Memphis.

So yes, as promised, I'm updating. I'm back in the hospital but I feel total peace and confidence that my doctors will figure out the latest and get me back on track. In the meantime, thank goodness for a mini lap-top and access to the internet, plus, I'm doing a lot of writing and some genealogy--making sure I've cited sources. Most of this is what I'd be doing if I were home anyway. My spirits are good. Just keep those prayers flying upward and picture me taking another trip South to do more research. For other genealogists, a couple of lines keep calling me. You know what I mean. When I get out of the hospital I'll post some pictures.

Sunday, July 05, 2009

To post or not to post

I've decided, for those loyal friends who depend on my blog to see what's up with me, that I should post more often, even if I don't have anything exciting to say. I hesitate to post especially when the topic is my health. I know, I know, it's important, but most of the time I just don't like to dwell on it. However, I realized recently that not posting allows for all sorts of imagination games, so truth is better than nothing.

Update: Another bout in the hospital. This time without a certain diagnosis about the source of so much nausea and its accompanying side effects. Home now for 24 hours. Keeping a very strict detail of what I eat, when, and what happens next. I'm hoping it's just a matter of time--in other words, reintroducing foods ever so slowly and learning to avoid the ones that give me trouble. After all, I didn't eat anything for almost six weeks. But the nausea was worse than any flu I've ever experienced and I'll do just about anything to avoid it. And who knows, maybe I'll rediscover my thighs. (Sigh...is it a sin to have even a tiny bit of vanity at 50??)

Saturday, June 27, 2009

That One

I often wondered what position you'd have played if you'd been interested in football, if Brandon hadn't been the football player in the family. You've experienced some trials that many will never go through, and you've allowed them to turn you into the man you've become. I'm so proud of you. Happy Birthday. I love you.

That One

beneath the glare of the stadium lights
all eyes are on the high arc of the football
except mine
I watch him--that one
waiting, expectant, his pliable stance
anticipating exactly how far to move forward
where to place his hands
for the perfect catch
he is ready
although he always hated
being the center of attention
and never let me give him a birthday party
not for any number of Ninja Turtle figurines
but he’ll stand in the limelight now
with the same focus
for the right game

the ball falls gracefully
giving him time to think
judge where to place his body
how many steps between adolescence and manhood
moving forward
anticipating the exact second
the ‘whhhoot’ sound that only he will hear
when time, space and matter meet in his open, steady hands
he wedges the ball hard against his breast
the crook of his left arm
leans into the rush
determined, fast on his feet
like that time
north of Duschene
icicles on the sage brush
being chased over snowdrifts
not caring where he ran
navigating ravines and embankments
with those sliding-into-home moves
that had them both impressed--
how does a boy learn to run like that?
and distressed--
we better bring him back

now
he looks ahead far enough
to judge the next step
the right direction
how big the linebacker rolling toward him
how close to the goal line this time
even though it’s almost certain
he won’t make it
but the hope is worth it
a whole field of spectators cheer him on
rise to their feet
while he rushes
into the organized melee
turning left, then right
he is fast, so fast
he'll make it one day
yeah
he’s the one I watch
that one

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Ocean City

Highlights from the Ocean City trip:

Watching Clayton with Rolan in the swimming pool
Chantel's fabulous roast beef dinner
Watching all the boys play in the surf
My ride down the boardwalk, people watching
Getting caught in that wonderful, sudden rainstorm
Seeing a double rainbow over the ocean
Seeing the love among the Calders
Seeing the love between Michele and Clayton
Seeing the love between my children
In general--feeling the love!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Last night

Clayton and Michele got in and today we spent the day at the Calder's, then all of us went out for dinner at Carraba's. The food was excellent, but the best part was looking around the table at my whole family, watching the little ones stuffing pasta, and listening to the banter. I love each one of them so much! On Friday we go to Ocean City for the weekend to play on the beach and celebrate Father's Day. And I'm feeling stronger every day. Blessings...blessings...

Sunday, June 07, 2009

And all this time

I thought I was taller. I've always said I was 5'6". Wrong. I'm only 5'4". And I've lost 25 lbs. Not the most healthy way to do it but it's nice to get into some other clothes.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

A Dog and a Daughter

Oscar is heading to a new and wonderful home soon. I will miss him. But I realized that I can't give him what he needs. Every time I have had to leave him, especially for an extended time, he becomes stressed and anxious and all kinds of bad behaviors ensue. But I'm past feeling sorry for him now. He's been staying with Chantel and getting all kinds of loving and consistent attention, even sleeping in Owen's bed every night. Chantel has been managing Oscar, along with her already busy life as a wife and mother and the owner of a 7 month-old lab. She's taken numerous calls about Oscar and thinks she's found the perfect home for him. I'm waiting to hear.

Chantel has been and continues to be a mother's dream of a daughter. She treats me with nothing but love and compassion no matter how stressed her life is, and she always agrees cheerfully to run any errands, bring me anything I need, visit with me at the hospital, or talk with me on the phone. She radiates love and beauty to a depth that never ceases to amaze me. I'm in awe that Heavenly Father sent her, and she agreed, to come to earth and be my girl.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

He Forgot the Poop Sac

Sinai hospital. 4 am. Thanks for the Lasix (sp?) doc. I'm peeing every 1/2 hour. And starving--having eaten practically nothing but liquids for two weeks. Surgery soon. Looking forward to it. Blog surfing. Find one about a year's worth of crock pot cooking. Reminds me of my own crockpot story. I'm about to incriminate myself. Promise you'll still love me.

About 1980. Larry brings home a cottontail and drops it, skinned and all, into the kitchen sink. The kids are little. Clayton hasn't been born yet. We gardened. We canned. We hunted. He shot it, I cooked it, and we ate it. Grass fed beef. Goat milk. Home grown corn, potatoes and tomatoes. A different life. But I digress. So I rinse the little bunny's body, drop it in the crock pot, cover it with potatoes, carrots and onions, add water, salt and pepper. Put on the lid. Turn on the heat.

The next night:
What's for dinner? (Now how did you know that was asked by a man?).
Rabbit and potatoes.
You mean...the rabbit I brought home last night?
Yeah.
But I didn't finish cleaning it.
What do you mean you didn't finish cleaning it? You always clean in the carport and bring me the finished--parts.
Well, I forgot the poop sac.

The poop sac. Little brown pebbly rabbit poop. Hmm. The crock pot is full! There's so much food in there! Good, healthy organic-before-we-knew-what-organic-meant food that we planted and nurtured and harvested. And luckily, the poop sac is on the very bottom. Once I turned on the heat, I never touched the food until the next night.

Fast forward 25 years. I'm telling my younger sister, Rachel, the story. She's laughing. She and Mike did the mountain-man-and-his-little-woman stint too, in Oregon. So she gets the self-sufficiency at all costs mentally. In fact, we used to talk about collaborating on a cookbook: How to Make Two Hot Dogs Feed a Family of Five. But I digress again. Back to the story:

Rachel: So did you throw it out?
No.
Did you eat it? Now she's laughing harder.
No.
Well if you didn't throw it out and you didn't eat it, what did you do with it?
I'm laughing now too, and barely able to squeak out the truth:
We fed it to the kids!
We laugh so hard that tears run down our faces.

Oh the things we confess as we age!! But in my defense--I scooped off the top just that one time--and the rest wasn't totally wasted. It went to the dogs.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

This is, by far, the most

inspiring event I've seen in a long, long time. Susan Boyle, several days ago in the UK.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Mid-Week Catch Up

This has been a good week so far because:

1) I'm on an insurance-imposed break from chemo, which may be just what the doctor ordered. I find out next week. In the meantime--I'm lovin' it!!

2) Sold two items on Ebay--fun and I made a few bucks. Have more to sell.

3) Oscar and I called a truce. He's pooping outside again and I'm being more consistent with his routine and his diet.

4) Went through files again and filled another grocery bag with old papers to throw out--oh, the things that make me happy!

5) Wrote another chapter of memoir and posted it for my writers' group.

6) Made the decision to go to my niece's wedding in June.

Do these really need captions?



Saturday, April 04, 2009

Friend

I looked for you again
an unexpected email
one of your old friends
feeling guilty that you died
she didn’t know in time
didn’t call you back that night
oh, the sorrows and regrets
googling ‘citicow68’ and
there you are, just like that
your name, face
really just a glimpse on the internet
some personal details
almost like reading someone’s journal
your honesty, fears
trusting others to understand
I didn’t know
you wanted to die in your sleep
not something a mother and son would talk about
in everyday talk easier
to reprimand you
for watching so much ‘South Park’
and have you done your Statistics homework yet
both of us in school then
pursuing the carrots we called dreams
pushing you on, onward
never really knowing how far you could go
but what would happen to you, if I quit?
your patronizing grin
trying to rub the anxiety out of my shoulders
you didn’t need pushing, only encouragement
did I give you enough?
tell you how proud I was that you kept trying?
kept going when life knocked you down?
I didn’t realize, until after
how many times you got back up, over and over
with a smile, a kind word, a thank you
so I stare, for the thousandth time, at your picture
the one nearest to what appears when I close my eyes
see the real you just beyond the veil
your love intact
your peace assured
I get your message
return the email
tell her
no regrets, my friend
only happiness
only love
only peace

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Rolan's Special Day

Rolan in a chair that belonged to his mother when she was a little girl.
Grammy, Michele, Rolan, Brent, Clayton, Mike
Me with Rachel in her 'Brandon' sweatshirt
Rolan wouldn't give Rachel a kiss but he was happy to blow her one!
Rolan received "A Name and a Blessing" on Sunday, March 29 at the home of his parents. Brent Echols performed the ordinance with Bishop Sincich while Rolan sat on Mommy's lap. A chocolate chip cookie helped keep the reverence. My sister, Rachel, attended and Chantel's family was there in spirit. I believe Brandon, Grandpa Dayley, and my dad were probably there too, completing the circle of love around Rolan. I couldn't help shedding a tear as I felt the spirit and heard the words of the blessing. A wonderful end to my visit to California.
I love you, Family!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Brandon's Life in Pictures

My daughter created this beautiful slide show to honor Brandon on the anniversary of his death.
Click here to watch it. Make sure your speakers are on.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

One Ringy Dingy, Two Ringy Dingies

Hmmmm....I wonder how many people who read my posts actually know where this post's title comes from....

I'm lying on a 'bed' in the ER. I've been there about 5 hours (not in the bed, but the ER). I've had a run-in with a nurse with control issues and I've won. No arguing. Just the good 'ol passive response of ignoring her and doing what I wanted. OK, sidebar: I HATE it when people try to use their titles to throw their weight around, and she had plenty of weight to throw. She told me to put on the gown and I said I'd rather not. She said I must and I said I was already braless and could pull up my shirt. She said it was hospital policy. What a bunch of crap. I proceeded to ignore her and climb up on the bed. She said the doctor wouldn't see me if I didn't have on a gown. Liar!! When I didn't respond to that she said she'd leave it up to my nurse. Then she ran her big xxx out to find him. I asked myself why I even cared about the gown. I mean, why was it such a big deal to put it on? Because at that point I was DETERMINED that I wasn't going to do it even if they called the hospital administrator to my room!! I would have rather been naked than wear that horrible scrap of fabric which is not only cheap and scratchy but humiliating as well. I was swearing and crying (I only swore in my head). Can you hear the melt-down coming? I didn't look good and I sure as hec didn't feel good! I wasn't about to comply.After about 30 minutes of crying (sometime I'm going to have to blog about assertiveness issues because I definitely have them. I can count on two hands the few times in my life when I've actually been assertive and not just passive/aggressive. Usually I'm just a big woos, except for that time I became a mother bear in a run-in with an excuse for a vp at the jr high over some issues with Clayton. I was actually assertive then. More like livid and 'You so much as look cross-eyed at my child and I'll twist your head so far around you'll...' well, you get the idea. Yes, I admit that in the re-telling of this I derive a certain prideful unchristian-like pleasure remembering that lovely afternoon...that guy so frozen he didn't even breathe...three men in the room all with their mouths open down to the floor...Wonder Woman!!...Sigh...)

So anyway, my nurse was a wonderful person. He didn't say one word about that horrid gown and I've decided that I will never wear one again! Take that! I've discovered that being defiant is not only empowering, it can be fun. Huh! So it's only taken me fifty years to figure that one out. My friend Kathy is applauding as she reads this. Yes, one is never too old to learn. So thanks for indulging my rant and now I'll finish what I actually started to write about:

I'm in bed in the ER and I've met my nurse (Don) and he's cool and I'm done crying. I'm feeling much better. I'm looking around, wondering when the doctor will be in. Patience is definitely one of my virtues. Then I hear a phone ringing in the nurse's station. It's right outside my 'room.' It rings. And it rings. And it rings, and rings and rings and rings. Why isn't anyone answering the phone? Yes, it was a weekend and the ER was busy, but I laid there and watched nurses and doctors and transporters and techs walk back and forth and no one picked up the phone. Ring...By this time it has been ringing for at least five minutes. I think to myself, 'Whoever's calling is not going to hang up until that phone gets answered.' Still, the phone rings and still, every one ignores it. Ring...ring...It was as though everyone was waiting for everyone else to answer it. Ring...Boy, whoever is calling is determined to get through. That's something that Rachel would do, I think to myself. She wouldn't be angry either. Ring...She'd just bite down like a pit bull on a bone and think, 'I'm not hanging up until someone answers this phone.' Ring...ring...ring...Now I'm getting annoyed. I've already had a little taste of assertiveness so I'm feeling a little boldness. "PHO-ONE!" I yell. Too quiet. No one hears that. I try again. "Hey! Is anyone going to answer the phone?" I am louder this time and it feels good. Now I realize that the phone ringing is not my problem, however, a hospital is a public place and surely I'm not the only patient annoyed by the constant ringing. Suddenly my nurse comes running in. "Don!" I say, "What's wrong with the staff? Don't they answer the phones around here?" He reaches behind my head, picks up the phone, pushes a button and hands it to me--with a huge grin on his face.
" Wha...for me??" I don't know what to say. I'm not a mother bear anymore. I'm a mouse. Or maybe a piece of mouse's poop..."Hel...hello?"
"Marci, is that you?"
"Rachel? Is that you?" (Why am I not surprised!)
"Wow, that rang a long time, but I'd already decided, 'I'm not hanging up this phone until someone answers!'"
I tell her what happened and we laugh for a long time. Two weeks later we're still laughing. But really, I can swear the ringing was coming from the nurses' station...and no, I wasn't there for a hearing problem, but maybe I should have been.

Monday, March 09, 2009

New Guy

OK, so I have a new guy in my life. Chantel gave her approval. I am still so surprised at how it all happened. A friend introduced us to each other and there was an instant connection. Of course, he doesn't have even half the qualities I thought I wanted. For example, he's shorter than I am. But he can dance so that's a plus. He depends on me for a lot but I depend on him too. He doesn't really do anything, but he loves to make me happy and that makes me love him! He's really smart and he makes me laugh. I know I can trust him. Soren and Owen gave me the thumbs up too, so I think I'll keep him around.
Meet OSCAR!downright irresistable
a deep thinker

indulges me when I need camera time
Gotta love that nose!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Weirdness for sure

Ok. So I know I've posted about my strange sleep habits but today tops them all. First of all, I've been going to bed at a decent hour (between 10 and midnight) and sleeping all night without interruption. Heaven! So this morning, I woke up at 6 am. Rather than stay up, I decided I'd lie down for about one more hour. Ha! No such thing. I woke up at 1:30 and I had not moved at all. The worst part was all the teasing I got at chemo since I slept right through my 11 am appointment and had to be worked in during the afternoon. I've had some long sleeps before, and some long naps, but I don't remember ever taking one for 7 1/2 hours! I'll never live this one down. Everyone at chemo today were all grins.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

I Love You, Still

This was supposed to post on Valentine's day. I don't know what happened. 2nd in a series.


Because you’re a fighter

a wriggly wiggler

a bed-time breaker

and a soccer ball kicker

I love you because you love rock and roll

porcelain dolls

eating at the Mecca

and anything on which to climb, even me

I love you for the way you move with a destination in mind

play your music

kiss those little fingers

and belch like a sailor

for the tomatoes, the potatoes, the corn

and because after all these years

you talk about that venison steak dinner, still

I love you because you love hats

like me

and pet rats, um, not me

for late night chats

for the sharp sound of 'crack' every time you got up to bat

and I miss those days

but I have my memories

I love you because she slobbers

a lot

and you don’t mind

for that home-made macaroni and cheese

and because your lemonade is too sour

but your enthusiasm makes up the difference

I love you for saying yes

for not asking why, though I think you knew

your expressive hands

your fat toes

and your tight little butt

Ok there

I said it

I love you for allowing the anguish

to push you up, not down

for after dinner walks

for walking the talk

talking the walk

and Grammy, come see the moon!

I love you for your apple trees

your apple crisp

your sparkling apple cider

and the Unbelievable Apple

I love you because you’re generous

you sing with your whole soul

kiss with your mouth open

and 'do when the spirit say do'

I love you for the squeak in your laugh

the bounce in your dance

for teaching me how

and for what Jessica Rabbit said about Roger

I love you for surprises

big surprises

I mean, really—Big Surprises

and for that time

eating plums from a tree in the dark

I love you for your work ethic

your working man

your working man’s hands

and for giving me my first pair of earrings—gold, Trifari

I love you for your wild bushy hair

their buzzed heads

and mine too

1-2-3

I even love your bih

your buh, your do, your duh

and your fro

because I’m your guh

and you’re my bo

I love you for your art

drawings that fly and blast create chaos

like bombs and rocket ships and farts

and make you laugh out-loud

I love you for the raisins

the easy hugs

the way you hitch up your pants because you walk

just like him

and no one tries harder than you

I love you for your French fries

your give-it-to-me-straight philosophy

for being the slowest to anger I've ever seen

and sparklers on the fourth of July

I love you for tri-tip on the grill

June bugs

your stubborn will

for telling me the truth

even though

it made me cry

and camping in the hills above Burley

I love you because you get it

you got it

and that’s good

I love you now

I loved you then

I loved you before

and probably

I've loved you forever

I love ya

I love ya, darlin’

I love you—still

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Happy Birthday

If you were here, I'd drive you into Baltimore to have some world famous crab-cakes, and I'd delight in your swooning, the savoring, the way you roll your eyes absorbing even the tiniest minutiae of joy. We'd talk about food and you'd tell me about one time when you were in Thailand, or Australia, or France and I'd go with you there while you described in perfect detail, the best meal you'd ever eaten--or at least, one of them. I'd make sure the waitress knew it was your birthday and the whole restarant would sing "Happy Birthday!" to you.

If you were here, we'd talk about cookbooks. I'd show you the WWII cookbook I have that's dedicated to General George Patton and includes a plea to the women of America to make do with less in order to support the war. We might talk about Uncle Lester and Aunt Janie then and the time you spent with them in Florida. Eventually our talk would include Cleora's Kitchen. I'd remind you that I first saw it at Marion's house. And I'd admit that I went home and bought myself a copy, not for the recipes, but especially for the picture and the story of Cleora and the school photo. It still makes me laugh.

If you were here, we'd go to Annapolis to the Hall of Records and find Grace Eleanor Tenley's records. There's a street in D.C. called Tenley St; we'd find out why and we'd discover some local history, her parents and her siblings, sit on the floor among thousands of historic books and whisper like we did in the Memphis library five years ago now. On the way home we'd remind each other about our plans to go to Wales and walk the shores where the Pearce's lived. I'm looking forward to that.

If you were here, I'd take you to Mount Vernon where George Washington lived and is buried; you'd marvel and exclaim as we toured the house, the separate kitchen, the outbuildings; we'd walk down to the wharf of the Potomac, then over to a portion of the land that's still a working farm. You would laugh to discover that composting and crop rotation was a new idea then. We'd go through the threshing barn, then past a slave shack. Inevitably, our conversation would turn to slavery, growing up white in Memphis, Lena, and then we'd stand there in silence for awhile before hiking the trail through the woods to the mausoleum. A docent would point out trees that George Washington planted and are still thriving. On the way home we'd stop at a small out-of-the way restaurant for hot home-made soup.

If you were here, we might take the train to New York for the weekend. Take a carriage ride through Central Park, shop in Manhattan and have dinner at a world famous Italian place that I can't remember the name of just now, but Rachel would know. We'd take in a Broadway matinee, have our picture taken underneath the Wall Street marquee, tour Carnegie Hall and revel in the luxury of staying in a 5-star hotel.

If you were here, I'd tell you that you are a woman I have admired my whole life, that I love you for your intensity, the depth of passion and emotion you feel, that I understand it, the power and the contrast, the joy of it, and the burden. I'd tell you that I always felt safe when you were around. That you mothered us when you didn't have to. Every little girl should be so lucky. I'd tell you that you have many spiritual gifts and talents, that I love having deep conversations with you, and I love the way you question what is and what could be, always looking forward to the future as a place of happiness and light.

If you were here, I'd bake you a big chocolate birthday cake, because I make the meanest chocolate cake ever, and you'd agree with me after the first bite. I'd close my eyes, too, for just a moment while you made a wish, and I'd ask God to grant your wish, because of your passion for life and everything good and the way you have always loved. If you were here, I'd give you a hug so strong and immense that you could feel it anytime you needed one for the rest of your life.

If you were here, I'd say, Happy Birthday, Dear Sister, Friend of My Heart. Happy Birthday to you.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Making it Official


This morning I decided that I need to break some old habits by starting some new ones. Instead of waiting until bedtime to read scripture, I read after breakfast before I do anything else. That way I make sure that it happens. And for some reason, I feel compelled to re-read the Book of Mormon straight through and finish by March 28, 2009, the anniversary of Brandon's death. Now, if it were a novel, no big deal, right? The last time I made this kind of goal (I hate to admit it, much less put it in writing) was in 1983 when I was in labor with Clayton...

My labor started late in the evening and after only four contractions I was doing the breathing thing. I worked hard, and Larry did too, pressing his thumbs in my lower back during each contraction. "Harder! Harder!" I'd scream, and harder he pushed. At one point he said, "My thumbs are going to be permanently kinked backwards!" Most of my labor was in the warm water of the bath tub. When the midwife arrived and I asked her how much longer, she said at the rate I was going, probably six or eight more hours. I couldn't do it. I knew I couldn't. I had given birth to two other children but this labor was different, intense from the word go, and we were having yet another home birth. I closed my eyes and prayed. I promised the Lord if he would help me have this baby soon, I would read the Book of Mormon from beginning to end--something I had never done before. I delivered Clayton within the hour without a hitch, and he was over 10lbs!

He turned out to be the most contented, good-natured baby ever (of course, he should have been content--he nursed every hour for the first 48 hours, and was up to 13 pounds by the time he was 3 weeks!) The sweet spirit he brought into our home cannot be described. The joy of his birth and the love his brother and sister felt for him was truly wonderful.

One morning while nursing him in the rocking chair, I remembered that I had bargained with God. We had a deal and I needed to keep my end of it. I picked up the Book of Mormon and started at the beginning. I read and I read. I cannot explain the peace I felt during those times and how it permeated our home. I made it a point to read whenever I sat down to nurse. Sometimes I read for five minutes, sometimes longer. Eventually I did what I promised to do and finished the sacred record. Blessings followed the way they always do whenever we keep a commandment, and I'm sure much of it had to do with increased spiritual knowledge.

Last Sunday in gospel doctrine our instructor asked for examples of how reading the Book of Mormon has blessed our lives. I thought about that sweet time with Clayton--25 years ago now, and I guess that's when I decided to read straight through again. Why I feel the need to do it by March 28 isn't clear. But often, we go by faith, right? Ten pages a day or more. I'm on it...

Friday, January 30, 2009

Zion


















They talked about reaching Zion as a condition of the heart. Something to strive for our whole lives. The state of the world during the millennium after all the wars are over when people will dwell together in love and peace. I could have told them that yes, zion is a condition, and it is a the state of the world, but we don't have to wait for it or for the Savior to come. Zion is close by. I know because I lived there. It was right around the corner.

To Bonnie, Raedene, Marilyn, Linda, and Susan

From You I Learned

That fresh pressed cider tastes like heaven
dogs should be spayed or neutered
copying copyrighted music is wrong
and following the prophet is right
From you I learned
that it's a good thing
to make someone a birthday cake
get your other friends together
and sing happy birthday while holding the cake
and standing on the birthday girl's porch
From you I learned
that hard work makes good things happen
staying faithful to covenants is essential
elberta peaches have the best flavor
and zucchini can be canned
to become a substitute
for crushed pineapple
From you I learned
that no husband is perfect
and neither am I
but sisterhood is close
From you I learned
that raspberries need picking
or they stop bearing fruit
consistency is key
and neighbors appreciate
a regularly mowed lawn
From you I learned
that each day is a new start
no matter what happened yesterday
and God hears our prayers
even the ones we just think about saying
From you I learned
that it's ok to say no
the spirit speaks all the time
but it's we who decide
if we're listening
or not
From you I learned
that our children can bring us happiness
and squished dandelions
wet kisses
exasperation
and frustration
no matter how cute they are
even in families
that look perfect on Sundays
From you I learned
to plant a tree in the front yard
leave home once in awhile
even if it's just long enough
to go get some curly fries
exercising to music is fun
but forgiveness is vital
From you I learned
that potato bugs are a nuisance
teenagers don't always mind
direction is important
the veil is thin
and sometimes we just have to believe
From you I learned
that I could give a talk
plant a garden
teach a lesson
bottle home-made chili
and feel the promptings of the Holy Ghost
From you I learned
that I could
be a neighbor
a friend
a mother
and myself
all at the same time
From you I learned
to get up early
do it right
keep going
family is everything
and finding joy in the journey
is the goal
From you I learned
that time changes appearance
circumstances alter our course
and distance separates
but love among sisters remains in force
forever

Thursday, January 29, 2009

A Favorite Quote

It isn't enough to talk about it or dream about it. Even the best plans lie stagnant until one takes action. In my work to establish Head Injury Hope, a non-profit organization, amazing things have taken place which the following quote explains better than I can.

"Concerning all acts of initiative and creativity, there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.

I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets: 'Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, magic and power in it.' "

W.H. Murray
The Scottish Himalayan Expedition
J.M. Dent & Sons Ltd., 1951

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Insomnia

I have the weirdest sleep experiences. I'll sleep well for a night or two, but more often than not, I wake up repeatedly--anywhere from every 30 minutes to two hours, and I'll do that until around 4 or 5 AM when I finally give up and get out of bed. Sometimes things come to me then--answer to a prayer, a heightened spiritual awareness, words to a poem--and then I don't mind. But other nights don't make sense, like tonight (this morning):

I need to compile 30 years of on and off again genealogy research into a history of the Bruchs, which will entail another trip to Memphis--something I look forward to.
Is there such a thing as a cat that doesn't shed?
Should I get a cat of my own?
You're the cream cheese, I'm the crunch, we're the celery in our lunch...ok, now it really is time to give up on sleep...

Saturday, January 17, 2009

I'll tell you

what my writers' group members said about this piece if you tell me what you think first. And no vague responses like "I liked it" "I hated it," or "I didn't get it." Be specific. Ask questions. Tell me where it makes you wonder, if a passage made you feel confused, and what's implied. Who are these people and what is the relationship? Remember, this is FICTION so there are no wrong answers.

Let's Dance

He is standing between two empty bar stools in crisply ironed slacks and a maroon button-down shirt, leaning on his elbows, both hands wrapped around a tall glass. I can see the honey brown skin of his forearms where the cuffs of his sleeves have been rolled back, revealing sinew and hard muscle, work-worn hands. I touch his shoulder lightly and slide onto a stool next to him, placing my black beaded bag on the bar in front of us. He turns to kiss my check but avoids eye contact, the chain from his silver dog tags hanging inside his shirt. He's ashamed to talk to me now, having been caught in yet another lie, but it doesn't matter anymore. A second broken heart would kill me. El dolor me mataria, and anyway, I like it here, the anonymity of vague features, music that's too loud for talking, the darkness-smudged ambiance. While he orders me a Shirley Temple with extra cherry juice, I read the labels on the bottles standing in silent mockery on the open shelf behind the bar: Jose Quervo, Sauza, Quita Penas: Stop Suffering.

"Let's dance," I say, sliding off the stool and pulling on his arm. It's a popular place and the floor is filling up with people.

"No," he says, sittings down on a one of the empty stools, his back to the bar.

"Oh, come on! You know you want to!" I say, moving my hips to the music. I can't help it. I love the Latin rhythms.

"No!" he says again jerking his arm free. He's staring at me now but he doesn't see me. I know the look. I sigh and step toward the dance floor.

"That's why I leave my ol' man at home!" A middle aged woman says as she sashays past us flicking her long red nails once in his direction.

I dance alone, bailo solo, one hand on my hip, the other on my belly. The music carries me somewhere else. I close my eyes and already I'm forgetting the reason I came here.

"Feel the music! Feel the music!" he'd screamed at me in order to be heard above the din. My first dance instructor. Sweet, passionate, and a perfectionist with a horrible comb-over, but he could dance like no other and he was an excellent teacher. Puerta Vallarta. A tiny beach-side cafe. After the place closed we walked for hours on the beach awash in moonlight and talked about President Bush, President Fox, the issues with illegals coming into the US, our mutual love of languages . We passed other couples holding hands, teenagers building sand sculptures, a young mother walking with her barefoot toddler in the warm water, even in the middle of the night. I smile at the memories. Maybe I'll head south again when this is all over.

When the song ends I return to my seat. The bartender fills another tall glass; neon lights from behind the bar shine through it, illuminating the dark, heavy beer the color of Brazilian coffee. The other stool is empty now and I search the crowd as a new song begins. It's a merengue and he is dancing with a beautiful young red-head almost as tall as he is. One, two, one two. He seems content to dance the entire night staring at his hands resting on her slender hips, his thumbs almost touching the diamond stud flashing from her navel. There was a time when I would have been jealous, but not anymore. He looks up to see me watching. I smile and he grins back--the first look of enjoyment I've seen on his face all night.

"Her name's Brenda, or, I don't know, maybe she said Brandy," he says after the song ends and she returns to her friends at another table.

"Brandy, huh? Did you get permission from her parents?"

"Ouch, Woman! That hurts--she's not that young!"

"Compared to what?"

"Compared to--compared--well--she does sort of remind me of this one chick I knew after I got back. Man, that was a crazy time. I was pretty messed up, you know? I guess I was about 26 then and this one night--"

"Let's dance," I say again. "You owe me one." This time he follows me onto the dance floor leaving the end of his story behind in the foam of his beer. The crowd opens and we swirl a wide space, his beige Dockers and my black silk. We don't talk. And we don't have to think. The movement is automatic, flowing, a perfect fit. We move effortlessly for a long time, one song melding into the next.

Stopping to catch our breaths, I feel the heat from my body against the cool of the white stucco wall as he presses against me gentle, but strong, his arms arms still tight around me. There's beer on his breath and urgency raging inside him, conflict I couldn't fix. I put my palms flat against his chest and look into his pliant face. Alcohol always does this to him and I welcome the honesty even while I resent it. His body feels good beneath my hands, solid and warm.

He looks down into my face. "En que piensas?" he says softly. What are you thinking? Without waiting for a reply, he lowers his face toward mine, his lips parted, his breathing elevated, but not from dancing. Oh, how I want to, but I turn my head.

"About my husband" I reply. It's still a legal description.

He hesitates and I feel his arm twitch. He loosens his hold on me but doesn't let go. His eyes remain fixed on my face and I feel his heart pounding against his ribs beneath his shirt. The music stops and for a long minute, neither of us move.

"Do you hate him?" he asks quietly.

The energy from dancing has left a vacuum in the open space, filling quickly now with new dancers who ignore us and focus instead on their partners. I reach up and touch his smooth jaw line, warm against my fingertips. A drop of sweat rolls down the side of his face and wets the tip of my finger. I want to take him home, cover his body with a cool sheet, sit in the rocker and watch him sleep through the night like I used to watch over my babies when they were sick and moonlight shone through the lace curtains bathing the house in serenity.

"No." I answer. "I--" I stare into his brown eyes boring into mine now, serious and intense. A tear slips down my face and I quickly brush it away.

"I love you--I always will."

A shadow crosses his face momentarily. He steps back, releasing me, then reaches for my hand instead. This time it is he who says, "Let's dance." As I follow him quickly back into the crowd, he grips my hand hard, the ring on my third finger pinching my skin, but the pain feels good. A reminder. The crowd makes room for us again and for awhile, we forget.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

To Nancy

I don't need to touch it to know
it's just a picture
of a painting
of him and yet
through my blur of tears
something shifts
his tender gaze
like a caress
a glance
a softening around the mouth
as though he can indeed,
speak from the page
I dare not look away
the compassion!
the understanding!
the knowledge!
that in the aftermath's anguish
while I lament the 3000 miles between me
and my friend know
with hopeless certainty
that I can do nothing
I understand
suddenly
that He
has already done
everything was at her side
from the first moment
fog rising up from the tulles like angels
to wrap her in the arms of love
binding the wounds of her broken heart
Balm of Gilead
Beautiful Savior
Healer
of us all

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Blowing Out the Candles

Posing with the birthday boy.
Strawberry shortcake, one of his favorites.
Make a wish!

Happy Birthday, Owen

Just what he wanted.

What's this?

I think he liked it!!