First Born and Second Chances

Brandon was my first-born in the wilderness, son of my youth. He gave me motherhood in all its facets. He was my first pregnancy, my first labor and delivery, my first experience with breast-feeding and teething and diapering and loving thoroughly another perfect human being who depended on me completely for his life. On him I practiced, with him I was infatuated, from him I received much love as he was a cheerful baby, but on him I made the most mistakes. I didn't know nearly as much as I thought I did. As he grew up he became more and more independent--sometimes too independent to my way of thinking--and the problems, experiences, the trials, the joys, the successes, and even the mundane, all became more complicated because soon we were a family of four and then five, and Brandon was not just the first-born, he was the older brother, the one we expected to set the example for the others, the one who, no matter how old he became, was always the first child. Whether he was 12 or 22, my experiences with him were always new. Always a trial run. Always a crap shoot if I was doing it right or not. But Brandon seemed to be able to handle it.

Later as I grew in wisdom as a parent, I lamented the fact that I could do a much better job with Brandon if only I had the chance to do it over again. I got my wish July 30, 1998 when Brandon survived a major car accident. Horror. We didn't know it that day, but Brandon was going to come out of his coma a 200 lb infant; we were going to do all the things with him that we'd done the first time around. He had to relearn everything and we were going to re-raise him only this time with an upped ante--magnified personality traits, a man who didn't realize anything was mentally wrong, intense temporal lobe rages that put us in physical danger, an inability to reason, and all with the same strong independent will as before and a physical strength that returned well before his mental capabilities did. God help us all if he stopped progressing at 15! Thankfully, he didn't. But even in the most difficult circumstances we found some humor.

Shortly after Brandon first came home after three months in the hospital, he went from using a wheel chair to walking with a walker. His balance was very poor. The doctor had emphasized how devastating it would be if Brandon fell in the shower or anywhere and hit his head again. For that reason, one of us always followed him to the bathroom to stand guard in case he started to fall. Chantel even put on her bathing suit and helped him in the shower a couple of times. I remember one time in particular, Brandon went into the bathroom and I was close behind him. He was physically progressing rapidly and was irritated when any of us were in there with him. In frustration he turned around and hollered, "Well, you followed me in here-- do you want to hold my penis for me too while I take a piss?" There he was! The old Brandon! Shortly after that, he quit using the walker and we gave him back some privacy.

Another time, Larry, who had became Brandon's full-time-every-kind-of therapist, (fodder for another post) decided that he needed to increase the level of Brandon's physical activity. Brandon had surpassed every physical goal, from being able to walk to the corner and back, to walking around the track down at the school, to walking around the block and up the hill. Larry often brought the wheelchair with them in case Brandon needed it to get home, but one day he decided to sit in the wheelchair and let Brandon push him. That was the day that a neighbor drove by and scowled at Larry as if to say, "What a mean father you are, making that poor crippled boy push you up the hill!"

Remembering those times makes me proud of how the Dayley family sacrificed for Brandon and how hard he worked to 'come back.' It makes me marvel at how determined he was to overcome his limitations and to what degree Larry and Chantel and Clayton gave to make that happen. It makes me reflect with gratitude on the power of faith, the hundreds, maybe thousands of prayers that were offered up for all of us, and it makes me hopeful that I will have the opportunity to help the families of other head-injury victims, even if it's just a word of courage to them.

I do feel sad to remember how open ended our grief was in those days. The Brandon we knew had died, but his body had not. Although people sent numerous cards, and offered many prayers and messages of condolence, there was no funeral and no closure. We wore our grief like shackles, with no one to explain to us the grieving process or how to get through it. At the time, Brandon's accident was the worst trial I'd ever been through. I didn't think I'd ever go through anything more difficult than that. I was wrong. But would I go back and change those days? Fast forward over the early years to a place where Brandon was mature and confident and hopeful? Not a chance. I learned so much with him and from him, and from my family also. Those years were a gift, a blessing in the form of adversity. Brandon should have died in that car wreck. The day I stood at his gravesite and spoke was the day I realized that he didn't need to have been here, to struggle like he did these past ten years. It was the rest of us who were given the opportunities to grow. We became more patient, more understanding, more willing to give and do and love, more forgiving, more filled with compassion. And isn't that the idea? To return home with honor to our Heavenly Father and Mother, having received the experiences we came to earth for? Sometimes I ask myself: If I had the chance to relive those years, knowing what I know now, would I? My answer is always the same: You bet your life. And mine too. In a heartbeat.

Birthday Night

Look at this face! Do you think she knows something that I didn't? She did! I was told what time to be ready, and that's about it. Rachel picked me up at Clayton's house around 5 0'clock. Oh, no! A woman off the street! Naomi was walking down Howe Road in Martinez and said she just happened to be bringing me a birthday gift. She climbed in the truck with us and off we went.
Rachel insisted I wear the birthday hat and wrap, complete with fashionable (!@@!) sunglasses.
We went first to Va de Vi in Walnut Creek where every item is served elegantly in a small portion. Everyone at the table shares. Dinner was the most exquisite combination of flavors I've ever experienced, and our waiter was superb. Below are pictures of just two of the nine items we enjoyed.
After dinner we walked several blocks to the Performing Arts Center in Walnut Creek to see the opening night of "42nd St"--relevant because about ten years ago, Rachel and Naomi and I got to see "42nd St." on 42nd St in New York City! What memories! The significance of the night was not lost on me. A wonderful birthday celebration. Thank you, Rachel and Naomi!

Birthday Day

On my birthday, I went to San Ramon with Michele and Rolan to Nana's (Barbara's) house and we enjoyed lunch together. A lovely way to start the day. Barbara is Rolan's great-grandmother, and a delight to be around. These pictures were taken in the kitchen and living room of her inviting home.



A home grown birthday gift from Barbara

Thoughtful sweetness
Raviolis and Salad
Honey, who stayed outside but couldn't help watching us through the kitchen window

Michele

I've discovered during this trip to California that Michele is not only a wonderful mother to Rolan, she is also witty and very thoughtful. She listens when people talk and finds ways to give that are meaningful and relevant. For example, yesterday, Michele drove me (as a surprise) to Berkeley to a hand-made paper store. She knows that I adore handmade paper and love surprises, so she went to the trouble of calling around then checking the internet. I wasn't allowed to know where we were going until we got there. We didn't go to just any old paper store either. It was a small place but filled with gorgeous hand-made Japanese paper, some of the most intricate and elaborate paper made. The work that goes into some of it! Stunning! And of course, some sheets were quite expensive, but perusing the merchandise was an experience and I found several gorgeous sheets to bring home for my next book art project. Michele said the trip wasn't for my birthday--just because. I was so touched by her thoughtfulness. And in the process, we enjoyed discovering a new, artsy kind of shopping area in Berkeley off the Gilman exit, my old stomping grounds. Thank you, Michele. A day to remember!

My Baby

Clayton, like his father, is a very hard worker. He is just as adorable sleeping at 25 as he was at 2 and 1/2! Son, I'm very proud of the way you take such good care of your little family.

Influence

Years ago when I was fighting with my oldest and almost regretting motherhood in its entirety, a counselor explained that within every family is a member who acts as the thermometer. That person takes upon themselves the role of checking the family's health with the ultimate job of doing whatever is necessary to keep them all together, even if that means, and for us it frequently did, that the mission is accomplished through strife and contention, which takes the focus off the areas that aren't working as well, and transfers the attention to the one causing the problems, much like a decoy--Hey! Over here! Not ideal, of course, but it works. But what happens when the one playing that role one is gone? Does someone else take it on, or is the family left to stand or fall, depending on its strength as a whole? Is the thermometer role just for the growing years, or is there always someone around trying to take a temperature?

I think about the first family picture taken without him, at the cemetery in Idaho where we'd driven in order to bury him in the only town he ever truly called home. A blustery afternoon. We squint into the coldness of a spring sun; elevation 5000 ft. Windswept hair. Mouths drawn crooked like the stick figures we'd become. I wonder if his absence has changed the dynamics somehow, of if we have become what we would have regardless. Memory says that his presence all those busy uspside down years, and his great needs during the past ten years, served to keep us together in a unique way. Maybe its supposed to be this way now. The four of us. In ways it is easier. No fighting between siblings. No phone calls from the neighbors, the police, the hospital. I think about the photo again but it is wrong. The wind gusted that day and hollowed a space where he should have been standing, with his strong arms around one of us or another. On better days I'll tell myself that he was there all along. It was only mortality and lack of faith blurring my vision. But other times I'll always wonder: What happens to the family when the thermometer breaks?