is hurting physically and emotionally. A wise relative sent a sweet email this week; she had noticed that I haven't blogged lately and was concerned about me. I appreciate the care. The truth is, that when I'm not blogging, I'm usually down. And when I'm down, I tend to pull away, at least from most of the world. I will make an effort to blog even when I don't feel my best. At least you'll know you're getting the real me!
Lately I feel as though life is happening around me, and to me, and I don't have much say about how it goes one way or the other. (I can hear Madelyn arguing with me now.) I'm not saying she isn't right. I'm saying that these are the feelings I'm dealing with lately. My oncologist gave me a clean bill of health recently. If my feet were in better shape I'd have to ask myself if I really had cancer at all. The effects of the chemo have been harsh and somewhat debilitating. But what doesn't show on the outside is what it's done to my heart. I think I need to explore that now. I was so busy overcoming surgery and going to chemo and overcoming the effects of chemo, I didn't have the time to figure out what it all means. I know that for some people it wouldn't matter. They pick up with their lives and go on. I'm not like that. The artist in me needs to examine the minutiae. I'm no stranger to depression and I can usually ward it off pretty well, but I began to despair last week when my thoughts began to linger on Sylvia Plath. Her poetry. Her three children. Her suicide by putting her head in an oven. All the trials I used to worry about having to face, I was never asked to. But the ones I've had to face felt hand picked just for me as far as pushing my faith to its limit. Each time I faced a big trial I thought I might die of grief, but I didn't. I suppose looking back now at what it means to have cancer maybe I'll learn something new to add to what I learned from the other trials. I certainly don't want to say, like my friend, that I'm the same, even after all this. Truly, that would be a waste.
July's Random Pics
9 years ago
1 comment:
I just wanted to thank you for sharing such personal insights on your blog. I have missed you- in person and in blogspace- I have worried about you, thought about you, dreamed about you and more than any thing- loved you and missed you. I'm sorry you are going through sich a rough patch right now- and I'm sure it feels like it will last forever- but when you finally hit a good patch again, I know you are going to go back and review how you felt during the rough patch- and there will be some new lesson, some amazing insight or contrasting reality that you will be faced with- and I know you aren't the same person as you were before Cancer. It doesn't mean that you can't be all of the good things you were before, but it will definitely add a layer of dimension to your personality. I don't think anyone could go through such trials and come out the other side without ANY change to themselves. I wanted to say one more time how proud I am of how you have handled the whole situation- and how you are continuing to push yourself to a healthy, happy life. KISSSSSSSSSS! HUGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!
Post a Comment