Treatment #2

Chemo today wasn't nearly as anxiety producing as the first one, although when I sat down in the big recliner and looked around the room at all the other patients getting treatment, I did shed a few tears from not having completely accepted idea that this is where I am. My friend Lyn drove over from San Francisco. She picked me up, spent all day with me. My appointment wasn't until 12:30 and I didn't get home until after 6.

Lyn, Sarah and Sandy and I enjoyed several writing classes together at Mills and graduated together. I posted pictures of them earlier. (Lyn is in the middle with the shorter blond hair). Anyway, I was telling Lyn that usually when there's a challenge or something is going weird, I just tell myself that the experience will be good writing fodder, but having cancer I'm not so sure. She said that the fodder is there, and when I get past all this, at some point, I'll be able to see it. We talked about life lessons too, and what we're supposed to learn along the way, something I fret and worry over. That's when she said, "Whatever it is you're supposed to be learning, you're getting it. You're getting it right now even though you don't know what "it" is at the moment." I'd never thought of that before. I don't have to have all the answers right now to know that "the prize is in the struggle." It's when I get out of the struggle that the answers will reveal themselves to me, and I don't need to be worrying about what those answers are or when I'll find them, but to trust that they are there, and that in the meantime, I'm doing what I need to do...