What an Offer!

I received the sweetest phone call yesterday from Owen. He proudly told me that he had dialed the number by himself. He thanked me for the book I sent him, "The Boll Weevil Ball", reminded me that he has a soccer tournament coming up, and proudly told me that he was the one who came up with the name for his soccer team. Owen said everyone raised their hands that they liked the name 'the dragons' "except for Malcom." He then proceeded to tell me about his loose tooth and how he's going to get a silver dollar from the tooth fairy and his mother, who will get the silver dollar at a bank. And finally, "Grammy, when you come out to visit me, I'll let you wiggle it!" Thanks, Muffin!

Change of Scenery

I have had the best time the past few days. On Tuesday, Rachel and Mike brought me with them to see the factory where they work and to have a change of scenery. I love road trips!! I've seen three small towns that I didn't know exist, sunbathed, swam, hiked (a little), written, eaten out, and slept in. This has been so much fun. Staying at the motel keeps them from hours of commuting, plus it offsets the money they spend on gas. This is definitely something we'll do again. I will post pictures soon.

Treatment #2

Chemo today wasn't nearly as anxiety producing as the first one, although when I sat down in the big recliner and looked around the room at all the other patients getting treatment, I did shed a few tears from not having completely accepted idea that this is where I am. My friend Lyn drove over from San Francisco. She picked me up, spent all day with me. My appointment wasn't until 12:30 and I didn't get home until after 6.

Lyn, Sarah and Sandy and I enjoyed several writing classes together at Mills and graduated together. I posted pictures of them earlier. (Lyn is in the middle with the shorter blond hair). Anyway, I was telling Lyn that usually when there's a challenge or something is going weird, I just tell myself that the experience will be good writing fodder, but having cancer I'm not so sure. She said that the fodder is there, and when I get past all this, at some point, I'll be able to see it. We talked about life lessons too, and what we're supposed to learn along the way, something I fret and worry over. That's when she said, "Whatever it is you're supposed to be learning, you're getting it. You're getting it right now even though you don't know what "it" is at the moment." I'd never thought of that before. I don't have to have all the answers right now to know that "the prize is in the struggle." It's when I get out of the struggle that the answers will reveal themselves to me, and I don't need to be worrying about what those answers are or when I'll find them, but to trust that they are there, and that in the meantime, I'm doing what I need to do...

Bald is Beautiful!

Debutant

dark hairs criss-cross my pillow like abstract art
handfuls of it come out in the shower
the dreaded time fills the bathroom covers the walls and mirrors with steam like a menacing spirit
You will look old and sick without any hair

the three-time cancer survivor at the wig shop places her cool hands on the top of my sore head
like her voice, they are soothing and strong
she looks at me in the mirror at my tear-filled eyes my face that says
I do not want to be here
“Do not cry. You are going to be just fine.”
the buzz of the clippers begins right in the front
wait!
I pass my camera to my sister
the little teeth saw away at the illusion of beauty and suddenly I realize
the darkness lied
there is no loss no reason to cry
my eyes gleam from the mirror larger and browner than before
I feel a freedom, a rebelliousness, a sense of spontaneity
my sister cries and laughs with me
takes photos for my blog
then we hug the woman goodbye and walk out into the sun

I have choices that others do not
the wig is adorable
hats and turbans and scarves and endless fabrics await
but my bald head loved its debut
I can’t wait to show my family
I am more beautiful than ever

I wasn't exactly jumping for joy here
Revealed
This is getting fun

My Sisters

spent all day yesterday rearranging my furniture, cleaning, unpacking, decorating and organizing. Wow. My room was good before but it's GORGEOUS now. Not only that, but my sisters are FUN.

Once in a while

a missionary comes along whose influence goes beyond the norm. Such is the case with Elder Grow who spent many hours at our house and finished his mission last December. The other day I had the great pleasure of visiting with him again (and giving him a real hug) and meeting his mother and one of his siblings. Elder Grow told me that a blessing he once gave me was the time when the spirit was the most clear about what he was supposed to say and what I was supposed to know. In the blessing were many promises both for me and my family. He also said, "There are more trials ahead..." I have thought about that many times since, especially lately. I hope I'm enduring this trial with grace, faith and courage. I am so supported by the love of others and living at my sister's house feels especially right.