Zen

Last night was a public reading of the senior creative writers' theses. Preparation was intense. This was no ordinary final. This was a presentaion of the culmination of all our work at Mills College. We were fortunate to have use of the historic Bender room, with its high ceilings and beautiful arched windows. I'm told that the Bender room was the original Mills College library, and it appeared so with its dark wood glass-faced cabinets lining the walls.

Brandon came with me and we went early to help with set-up. It was a party, complete with beautiful food and drinks and fresh flowers. talk about brandon and what he did to help.

I wanted my family to be there so much and they came: Larry, Brandon, Clayton and Michelle. I felt varying degrees of nervousness all evening. Everyone sat with their friends and family. We came up from the audience as Elmaz, our incredible professor, introduced us.

My best friend, Sarah, read first and set the standard. Each woman as she was called, walked up to the podium with confidence and read with clarity and pride. Hearing these final presentations, I was so proud of them. Every one! At the beginning of the semester we workshopped together--everyone read everyone else's work. Then we broke off into small groups for the majority of the semester. I didn't hear the completed versions until last night, and what a transformation.

When it came my turn, the clapping and cheering sounded extra loud, but it made me smile and I was still smiling when I turned around to face the audience. I looked out and saw my family all smiling at me, and others. The room was dead quiet. It was my turn. I opened my mouth to read and a strong settling energy came over me. Any nervousness vanished. I was in my element, in my space, doing what I do; I knew how to pace the reading. Where to pause; where to slow down; when to speed up. Elmaz had told us that readings are really telling stories, that our paper copies are just for reference. I felt myself doing that, being connected to my audience. Every eye was on me. When I finished, the applause felt GREAT! Elmaz was crying. I knew that I couldn't have done any better.