Insomnia

It's coming up on 2:00 am. Can't sleep. Tried prayer and focused breath work, watched a documentary on the Cuban missile crisis of Oct 1962 when I was four, John was nearing open heart surgery, and Rachel was brand new. I channel surfed for over an hour and got to see my favorite scene from Jerry McGuire, but still, sleep alludes me. Marilyn will be here this morning to hang with me for the day. We've been friends for 24 years, since I was pregnant with Clayton. Her visits always ground me and I haven't seen her since graduation. Likely, I'll need a nap at some point, especially if I continue to stay up, since today was busy and productive and I didn't rest at all. But I'm looking forward to being with my dear friend. I should have been asleep by 10:00 tonight.

A loner bong sits here next to me, along with the computer and printer, bills and get well cards, and bottled spring water. I'm to return the bong to its owner when I'm well, or I can keep it "for sentimental reasons" and I just may do that. After all, the first time was hilarious and otherwise, when I'm 80 who will ever really believe me? I suppose I could take a picture of myself...hmmm. Funny, but having cancer has given me permission to disregard (finally) what anyone thinks about me, what I do, how I look, what I wear or don't. Black and shiny, this bong is a large phallic symbol disguised as a car's gear shift, but its a phallic symbol plain and simple. (I'm more aware of these things since attending Mills, an all women's college). I'm tempted to smoke some tonight, but so far I've only used pot during chemo week and not often, although the results have been amazing and terrific, ok'd by my doctor and endorsed by several friends for various reasons. I probably would have tried it anyway unless the doc had warned me of some terrible drug reaction. But when I told him that I had some marijuana and I'd never tried it before, he looked at me and said, "Never? Where were you?" and later I had to admit that back when all my friends were doing it, I was having babies and canning peaches, making quilts, growing a garden, and kneading giant batches of bread dough, long before bread makers had been invented. I didn't miss a thing. Bottom line, I get pain relief and deep sleep when sleep medication and/or pain meds don't do a thing. Tonight, I'm not hurting, at least not physically. I just can't sleep, so writing seems to be the next best thing.